Here's one option for how to change a brain. Take a hammer and smash someone's skull. That's how one traumatized young girl described what might happen next in the black & white photo.
The same photo was shown to a nine-year-old boy who'd been physically abused. He saw the father being crushed by the car, sending blood all over the garage, because his smiling son decided to kick the jack away.
Traumatized kids can concoct gruesome endings from innocuous beginnings.
In stark contrast, children without traumatic experiences described the scene as a happy family working together. One child imagined the dad driving his kids to McDonald's after fixing the car.
Without your awareness, your body's automatic and emotional response shaped what you saw in the image, a response sculpted by your past experiences, for better or worse. To appreciate the power of this unconscious mechanism, check out Dr. Bessel van der Kolk's book, The Body Keeps the Score. I couldn't put it down.
I was profoundly impacted by the reaction of my 18-year-old daughter, Alie (the tall one in the picture!), to this post. "I was startled to read what the traumatized kids imagined and heartbroken for them. I saw a happy family, and yet, I can see why they would view this scene so differently." Then she applied it to herself. "I'm wondering how MY perspective and anxiety was influenced by my experiences, and how the older girls [she has 3 older sisters] were shaped by their experiences."
Wow! I thought I was writing an educational post, but Alie's reflection reminded me these truths are also personal. I hope I'm shaping the brains around me with hugs and love, whether it's family, friends, colleagues, or even you. I want people to feel safe and secure with me so their brains can learn, explore, play, and cooperate.
If you want to change YOUR brain, Dr. van der Kolk advises reflecting on your inner experience and befriending what you find there. I was pleased that Alie was reflecting, and I hope she can also do the befriending. I know that's been the more difficult part for me.
So...here's how to change a brain. Put the hammers away, please. Instead, hug, befriend, and love.
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